Goodbye, My Girl.

"Dogs aren't our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” 

Monday started just like any other day.  I snoozed my alarm the  typical 30+ minutes and stumbled out of bed groggily to take the girls out.  We reached the door and the cold air hit me like a ton of bricks.  After Bailey and Jenna were outside, I turned around to begin to get ready for the day.

As usual, five minutes later, the girls weren’t quite ready to come in, but Jenna came running when she heard the food hit the bowl.  She rushed past me, but Bailey was still taking her merry time, as usual.  I turned around to head back to our bedroom, but decided to peek out and see where Bailey was.

That’s how some of the worst few hours of my life began.

As I peered out in the yard, I spotted Bailey on her side in the wet grass.  This is a dog that doesn’t like to step on wet grass, so I knew she wasn’t lying there willingly.  I ran out there, scooped her up and ran in, screaming to Clay to close the door so Jenna wouldn’t get out.  My heart simultaneously raced and jumped into my throat.

As she lay on the bedroom floor, I sobbed and shook and watched in horror as her breathing slowed down and became more labored.  I called the vet to figure out where to take her, and within minutes, had her on a blanket in my Jeep and was flying down the road, hazard lights.

I kept one hand on her the whole time and she lifted her head often, thankful for my touch.  As we neared Birmingham, she regained some energy and stood up to look out the window.  We flew into the emergency clinic parking lot and I ran in carrying her.  I had called to let them know we were on the way, so they were waiting to grab her from me.

I alternated between sitting and standing in the waiting room until they called me back.  The veterinarian said she was stable, her heart rate was normal and she was standing.  They were closing in less than an hour, and since she wasn’t in critical condition, decided to just keep on eye on her until our vet opened.

At 7:40, she was still doing well.  She was rather lethargic, but still looked more like herself, so we drove to her regular vet.  They had also been informed that we were coming, so we were ushered back quickly.  Upon arrival, her temperature was only 98 degrees, which is pretty low for a canine, so she was placed on a heating pad.

The doctor came in roughly 30 minutes later.  My first concern was when she listened to Bailey’s heart.  She didn’t say a word.  After the initial exam, she took her for x-rays, bloodwork and an ultrasound.  After nearly an hour, Bailey was back in the room, but I hadn’t seen the vet.  That’s when I looked up and saw her with a doctor on each side discussing something on the papers in her hand.  All three had looks of concern on their faces.  I tried to steady myself for the news to come, but nothing could have prepared me.

When the vet entered the room, she closed the doors that had been open the whole time.  She began telling me the prognosis.  She had a very large mass on the left side.  It was so big that it was pushing her stomach and spleen entirely to the right.  She also had fluid around her heart.  Once I was able to calm myself and really absorb what she was saying, we began to discuss treatment options.

While we were there, they could drain the fluid around her heart and do an echo to determine the cause, whether it was a tumor or heart disease.  Depending on the outcome of the echo, we may have been able to schedule a rather lengthy surgery to remove the mass. 

I spoke to the doctor in length about the potential dangers and effectiveness of surgery.  We discussed in great detail what the procedure would consist of, and what the long-term treatment would require.  I wanted to be fully informed so I could call Clay to fill him in, but mostly, to ensure we made the right decision regarding her care.  The echo would tell us what we were dealing with, but it could be painful to remove the fluid.  If we did the surgery to remove the mass, she may not even make it through the anesthesia because of her age, and if she did make it through surgery, it may not be successful, again because of her age.

When I called Clay, he made it clear that it was my decision to make and that if I chose to go through with the treatment, we would do whatever it took to get her well.  Together, we made the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  I had to decide to let my longtime companion go to Doggy Heaven. 

“Petting, scratching, and cuddling a dog could be as soothing to the mind and heart as
 deep meditation and almost as good for the soul as prayer.”

Upon making the decision, Clay left work to be with me.  My mom left work as well to say her goodbyes.  On her way, she stopped and got Bailey her favorite snack, a rotisserie chicken.  After getting off the phone with them, I pulled Bailey and her towel to the floor and laid down with her.  We spent the next few minutes “talking” about the things she had done to get Jenna in trouble and reminiscing over our time together.  I went from crying to laughing at things she had done. 

My mom arrived first and I explained the situation.  She had a few minutes with Bailey, then we got out the chicken.  As lethargic as Bailey was, she knew when I had opened the chicken.  She’s never been the most patient thing in the world.  I’m surprised she didn’t take a finger off!  She usually has to share the skin of the chicken with Jenna, but got every morsel to herself, and even got some of the meat Daddy never shares!

Clay arrived while she was enjoying her snack, and he spent a few minutes with her.  We called the doctor in and within a minute or two, she slipped through the pearly doggy door. 

From the time I found her in the yard to the time we left with her in a casket was less than 5 hours.  It hit me like a Mack truck: hard and with no warning.  The day before, she ate like normal and showed no signs of distress.

We went home and Clay brought her bed in and I grabbed one of her blankets.  We went outside and Jenna and I supervised as Clay dug a hole.  We put the bed in, then covered her with her pink paw print blankie.  Before we covered the grave, we sat around it in silence.  Jenna sniffed the box and scooted over to sit in my lap. 

It’s now Friday and we’ve made it through our first few days.  I’ve had meltdowns when I’ve gotten two snacks out of habit, and when I noticed a framed picture on my desk at work.  I even cried when Clay took his shirt off to get in bed and it stayed there instead of being made into a bed.  Each time Bryson calls out “Baaaaailey,” my heart breaks a little.  I know he’s actually calling Jenna because she’s his BFF and he thinks all dogs are Baileys, but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.  Yesterday, I realized that Bryson wouldn't remember Bailey, so now when he calls her name, I tell him something about her.  It's been great therapy to my heart to share her quirks, silly behavior, smart things she's done and even what a brat she was at times.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” 

Bay has been my constant companion for over 12 years.  She’s licked away many tears and kept me company when I’ve moved to a new city.  She’s made me laugh with her hyper running and jumping, and has amazed me with how incredibly intelligent she was.  She's cracked me up when she did her prairie dog sit in front of an unsuspecting person with food... and weaseled a bite every time.  I've been amazed at her skill to do the "Bailey Curse" and make a team lose to Alabama (ask the '09 Tennessee team- that was all her). She’s been an important part of my life, but also of Jenna’s. They didn't hit it off immediately, but eventually, loved each other like they were really sisters. 

Jenna has never really been alone, but has done great this week while we've been at work.  She seems to be very sad, but is getting the royal treatment.  Bailey even sent the remainder of her chicken home to her. 

When my first dog passed away, I said I would never get another one.  I think the same thing now, but I know deep down that the pain I feel right now pales in comparison to the joy Bailey brought to my life.  She will be dearly missed, but my memories are strong and will last longer than the pain.  One day, I will look at a picture and laugh about her excited expression instead of burst out in tears.  One day, I will tell Bryson about his oldest sister and how excited she was to meet him.  One day, I’ll be covered in sloppy wet kisses and rub her hairy little belly when we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge.

"Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day.  It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them." - John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog

Bryson: One Year

 

Weight: Your 12-month appointment was on 7/5.  At the appointment, you weighed 24.5 pounds.

Height:  On 7/5/13, you were 30.5 inches long.

Eating Habits: You, sir, make this parenting thing easy *knock on wood*.  I had been very concerned about ditching the bottle, but you did it by yourself.  You began playing with the bottle more than drinking it, so I started putting your formula in your favorite sippy cups.  You still wouldn't drink it, so we switched to milk and you chugged it.  You weaned yourself off bottles and formula right after turning 11 months.

You're so funny about food.  You won't eat certain things if they're in small baby-sized pieces.  You're great about not biting off more than you can chew... except bananas.  You would shove a whole banana in your mouth if we'd let you.

Favorite Foods: There's not really much that you don't like.  I think if you had to choose anything, you'd eat a banana.  You also really like pasta with tomato sauce.  You eat grilled cheese sandwiches, homemade chicken nuggets, yogurt, waffles with peanut butter, ravioli and chicken often.  You also discovered that you LOVE baked beans this month.  They end up all over your face because you pop them in your mouth by the handful.


Least Favorite Foods:  You've lost your affinity for blueberries and sweet potatoes along the way.  When I try to give you sweet potato, you make a face when it squishes in your fingers.  You don't like anything vinegary, like coleslaw, and refuse to eat anything green that isn't mixed into a sauce.  I'm sneaky, though, and hide broccoli or green beans in your pasta.  Bwahahaha.

Milestones: You have EIGHT teeth now!  One popped up overnight on May 30.  I didn't see it when we brushed your teeth before bed, but the next morning when we brushed them, there it was!

You've started brushing your own teeth!  I actually brush them first and you love it, but after we're done, you want a turn.  You put the toothbrush in your mouth and shake your head "no."  It's hilarious, but shows that you understand how it's done, you smart little cookie!







Favorite Things: 
You love to play tug-of-war with Jenna.  She's great with you and usually doesn't pull too hard.  I'm always so afraid you're going to tug as hard as you can and she's going to let go and send you flying.  Somehow you always end up doing it near the ceramic tile floor.

You love to play "Where's Bryson."  You do it frequently with your bath towel or blankets we use in the living room or in your crib.  You've even done it with the blankets on the dog beds (eww) and just your fingers.  You cover your eyes and we say "Wheeeeere's Bryson?"  You pull whatever is covering your eyes down and we exclaim, "There him is!"  You LOVE it and will do it forever.  We were in the Jeep for 5 hours on the way to the beach and I sat in the back with you for awhile.  We played it for at least 30 minutes. Your hiding place was behind the head rest on your car seat.

You have picked up this new face that we're pretty sure Aunt Christa taught you.  You do it ALL. THE. TIME.  It's funny until you do it when you get in trouble.  Okay, I'm lying.  It's funny then too, but we can't laugh then.  We've tried to get you to stop doing it, so when you make the face, we grin like idiots.  All that's done is change how you do the face.  Now you make it, then immediately grin really big, showing all your teeth.  You're a little nut!

Not-So-Favorite Things: You're going through separation anxiety again.   Fortunately, you're fine when I drop you off at daycare.  You've only cried twice when I've left you.  At home, it's a different story.  You can be playing contentedly, but if you catch us walking out of the room, you go to pieces.  You even do it sometimes when one of us is still with you.  You're really bad about abandoning Daddy in the floor to follow me from room to room.  You do it to me sometimes too, especially if Daddy is just getting home.  You have to follow him to our room when he changes clothes and always to the bathroom.  haha

You've also started wanting to be held more.  If we're holding you and try to put you down, you stiffen your legs so they won't bend for you to sit on the ground.  Both of these make getting things done pretty difficult.  I'm a sucker, though, and love the extra cuddles.

The bubbles weren't really working.

Other Bryson News: On Monday, June 3, you got tubes put in your ears.  You didn't get to eat anything after you went to sleep the night before until about 9:30 AM, but it didn't really faze you.  What did bother you, though, was the nurse trying to take your vitals.  She had to distract you with bubbles.  From the time I handed you over to the nurse to the time you were back in our room was 22 minutes, so obviously it wasn't invasive, but I'm not a fan of you going through that stuff.  You handled it like a champ, so we got a free day of playing when we got home.

We went to the beach on Thursday, May 30.  You absolutely LOVED it.  When we got to Florida, our room wasn't ready, so we went grocery shopping.  When we got back, our room was ready, so we checked in and went in to unpack and change clothes.   You went straight to the balcony door to look outside. You kept turning around to look at us like you were asking if we were seeing this too.  I loved watching the wonder on your face.



We went down to the beach quickly and you showed us you're a beach bum like us immediately.  You've never really liked wind blowing on your face, but as soon as the ocean breeze hit you, you lit up and started clapping.  At first, you weren't too sure about the water hitting your feet, but it didn't last long because you started slapping and kicking the waves as they rolled in.  Each wave made you laugh, which of course, cracked us up.  You loved to get out deeper in the water and let the waves hit you and Daddy.  You were immediately enamored with the sand, as you can tell by the bottom right picture.  You hadn't been sitting there for more than 10 seconds when I took that picture.  As per typical Bryson fashion, you had lots of snacks on the beach.  All that fun in the sun made you hungry!

Before we left on our trip, I was worried that you would either skip naps and be over-tired or we would spend the whole day in the hotel room.  Neither happened.  You took naps at your normal time and were perfectly content doing so on the lounge chair or a blanket on the sand.

Daddy and I started a tradition on our first beach trip together.  On the last night, we take a walk on the beach and pick up shells.  At first, we were going to choose just one, but I can't narrow it down.  We have a vase full of shells from our trips, even from our honeymoon in Jamaica.  On the last night of our first trip as a family, we went shell hunting.  You dug up a perfect shell with your toes, so we kept it as your shell.  I even labeled it with a Sharpie, so years from now when you go through my treasure box, you will find your very first shell!  (Yes, I'm a sap and potentially a hoarder)

You and I like to play a game where we make silly faces.  We do it all the time, but when we go out to eat, especially if it's just the two of us, we have to play.  Both of us will lower our heads and look up at each other then crack up laughing.  I have a hard time getting a picture because you crack yourself up so quickly, but I was able to get one picture.  I laugh every time I see it.  You're so silly!


You are such a joy and incredible blessing, my little stinky Stinkbug.  My life was forever changed when you entered it and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Your Daddy and I love you more than you can possibly ever imagine.

Love always, Mommy

Bryson: Month Seven

Weight: As of 1/23/13, you weighed 20 pounds and 12 ounces.  I think your weight gain is finally slowing some.  You've gained an average of close to 2 pounds a month since birth!

Height: At your appointment on 1/23, you were 29 inches.  You grew a whole inch in a month!  We bought a new 6-9 month wardrobe and two weeks later, had to buy longer pants!

Eating Habits: 
You went down to 4 bottles a day, but decided that wasn't enough, so we're up to 4.5 now.  You also get applesauce, fruit or yogurt in the morning and some kind of veggie or veggie and meat puree at night.  We also give you finger foods at random times.  You don't really eat much of them, but are learning to get them to your mouth and to chew.

I have waited to give you eggs for awhile, but after talking to your doctor and finding out you can have them now, I was excited to let you try them.  On January 21, my work and your school were closed, so we were home for the day.  I decided to make you scrambled eggs and toast (okay, plain bread).  You were excited when I laid the plate on your highchair, but that excitement quickly faded away at first touch.

When you touch something that's squishy, you make the same "Eww" face.  You usually give most things another shot, but not eggs.  You prefer to play with the "toast."



Milestones:

You have taken a few crawling steps, but aren't really interested in it.  You prefer to stand up.  You began to pull  yourself up and stand stick straight with no rolled feet or bent knees at about 6.5 months.  This picture is from the first weekend that you did it.  I held you up and you grabbed the crib rails and held on for dear life.  You couldn't figure out how to get down and grunted until I helped.

Now you can hold on to something, like the ottoman, your crib or our thumbs, and stand for minutes at a time and are able to figure out how to sit back down.  I think you may end up walking before you crawl.  I may need to invest in a helmet!

Your first tooth (bottom front left) appeared on January 8.  It was barely through the gum when we dropped you off with Grandmommy on January 11.  When I picked you up the next day, you had another one!  You've been awesome with teething for the most part.  Even with Tylenol or Motrin and teething tablets, you occasionally have wakeful nights.  I think you've discovered the best medicine is mommy snuggles... in her bed.
   

When you spent the night with Grandmommy, Maw Maw Kimbrell started teaching you "Bye bye."  You haven't mastered it yet, but will bend the tips of your fingers when we make the motion with our hands.  When we start saying "Byyyye bye," you laugh like it's the funniest thing you've ever heard.

On January 20, 2013, you had your first haircut.  Your hair was past your ears and halfway down your forehead.  Daddy has been trying to get me to let him do it for weeks, but I resisted.  Finally, when your hair went completely curly after a bath and wouldn't lay down, I decided we better take the plunge.  Your daddy started the cut, but gapped it above your ears, so I took over.  You were very curious about what we were doing and tried to grab everything.  If a piece of hair fell that we missed, you found it and quickly pulled it to your mouth.  You tried to grab the scissors multiple times and eventually had to be entertained with your hairbrush sword.  When we were done, you looked like a big boy and I wanted to glue it back on!

Favorite Things: 
You started blowing raspberries with your tongue a few months ago, but you've suddenly become obsessed.  You'll blow and blow and crack yourself up, especially if you happen to do it in someone's face.

In the last two weeks, you have started growling.  I don't know where it came from, but I think it's probably a spin-off of the noises we make when we play with you.  Before Daddy blows on your belly or tickles you, and when I try to make you laugh, we make a growling noise.  Your noise starts out very throaty and gets louder, then suddenly, you're laughing at yourself.  Last week, your teacher greeted you upon arrival to school and you responded with a growl and a hearty laugh.

Since you came home from the hospital, Jenna has been very protective of you, but still very hesitant.  As you get bigger, she is getting more comfortable with you and has to be wherever you are.  She lies next to your exersaucer while you jump, and if you get down in the floor, she's right next to you.  When we practice crawling, she gets next to you like she's trying to show you how to do it.

Bailey is a little more standoffish and likes to be the one to approach you.  She will let you grab her, but isn't quite as patient as Jenna and walks away pretty quickly.  She has to be in the same room as you most of the time, but would rather keep her distance.  When she sees a chance, she will sneak in a lick and get away quickly.  She won't give me enough time to get a picture of the two of you together.

You are very aware of where the dogs are and love to touch them.  Jenna doesn't care of you tug on her ears or tail, and even lets you pull her hair when you "pet" her.  We sit down together each day and have Bailey or Jenna sit next to you so I can guide your hand easily over their heads and backs.  You're learning to pet gently, but of course, like any boy has to do to his sister, you still like to pull her hair on occasion. :)

You pucker your lips a lot.  You started doing it to mimic me when I would give you kisses.  Now you do it at random times.  Last weekend, we were at a restaurant when we noticed you were doing it a lot.  We call it your Zoolander look (it's from a movie featuring Ben Stiller).  You usually follow a lip pucker by rapidly shaking your head no and laughing or giving Mommy kisses.  While the first is hilarious, I prefer the second. :)

Not-So-Favorite Things:
You were diagnosed with bronchiolitis on December 26, 2012.  Your symptoms are finally starting to subside, but in the last month, we have had to suction your nose and use saline drops before each feeding and sleep.  You can see the bulb syringe in a drawer and start shaking your head.  I think I've finally mastered the one-hand grab, but you still fight with everything you have to keep us from doing it!


Other Bryson News:
On Wednesday, January 2, your teacher in Infant 1 had to leave because she was sick.  You spent the day in Infant 2 and as we were leaving, the Director asked me if it was okay for you to move up because you had a blast.  I thought babies had to be crawling to move up since the crawlers typically bug the ones who don't, but they said you were Mr. Popular.  When I got there to get you the first day, you were sitting on a play mat with a little boy named John Weston, playing a trumpet.  They said you had a blast and played with everyone really well.

Since you sit up so well by yourself, you sit in your own big boy seat when we go out to eat.  The first time you tried the highchair, you hated it.  Now you realize you have some independence and are able to people watch.

You love to kick your legs back and forth sitting in a highchair and if you make contact with my leg, you keep doing it for fun.  You've discovered in the last week that the new angle and height gives you access to grab my food.  When we went to eat with Heather last week, I gave you my pickle to keep you entertained.  It was a hit!

You had your first business meeting this month. :)  We were at home for a holiday and Daddy had to work, so we went to visit him.  You had some pretty serious matters to discuss.  You even went on a business lunch in the break room and discussed matters with Daddy's coworkers.  Your crunchy book that makes kissy noises was the first thing on the agenda.

On January 7, 2013, the University of Alabama Crimson Tide won its 15th national championship.  You, Grandmama and I went to Tuscaloosa for the celebration parade and got to go inside the stadium.  You were enthralled by the parade and the number of people, but when we walked in the stadium, you stared in awe.  You were amazed by everything.  The first time you ever touched grass was in the Alabama endzone.  Remember that. :)

Bryson, you are seriously the most amazing little boy.  I have lived my life knowing God was in the miracle business and you are living proof.  Each day, you grow a little taller, learn something that blows my mind and capture my heart a little more.  Your daddy and I are completely head over heels in love with you.  We thought we were a great little family before, but on June 28, 2012, we realized we were missing a piece of the puzzle and only you could fill it.  We love you so much!

Bryson: Month One

Weight: I weighed you at home today.  10.8 pounds!  That's about a pound a week!

Height: As of 7/13/12, 21 3/4 inches.

Eating Habits: Depending on the time of day, you eat 4-5 ounces every 3-4 hours.

Accomplishments: Besides sleeping for 6.5 hours straight [once], you are holding you head up for 30-45 seconds at a time.  You are also obviously able to see a little better now- you concentrate on anyone who speaks to you and are enthralled by your reflection and colorful lights.

Favorite Things: You aren't really a paci baby, but love your blue teddy bear Wubba Nub paci.  You don't keep the paci in your mouth long, but like to hold on to the bear.  We held off on getting a swing for awhile, but I'm glad we broke down and got it.  You love it, especially when the room is dark and the lights on the swing are on.  You love to cuddle with Mommy & Daddy and LOVE to eat even more.  You gulp it down and sound so happy doing it.

Not so Favorite Things: Diaper changes are evil and putting on lotion is just no fun!  Bathtime is your least favorite time of the day.

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It's been a few weeks since I've had a chance to write.  Life with a newborn is very challenging, but the rewards far outweigh the exhaustion and exasperation.  The first month of our little guy's life has been one of the best of my life.  He changes every day and his personality is already developing.  He's stolen our hearts and we've fallen deeper in love than we ever thought imaginable.

On Saturday, July 7, we spent our first night together as a family of 3. Of course, it was in a family room at the NICU, but we were all together, and that's all that mattered.  Clay got us supper and we lounged on the bed, watching TV and enjoying cuddle time with Bryson. We fell asleep early but Bryson decided he liked hanging out too much to sleep. He and I spent 4 hours just hanging out. He wasn't fussy... ya know, until I laid him down and tried to sleep. He just wanted to be held and honestly, after the 9 days he'd had, I was glad to oblige.

We met with the doctor shortly before lunch and were on our way home. He took his first trip outside at 12:25 PM. Riding immediately put him to sleep.

When we got home, the girls were waiting anxiously. Clay went in and took them out while I snuck in with Bryson. They were very excited to meet Bryson and INCREDIBLY curious. They sniffed him for awhile and when we laid him in his rock 'n' play, neither Bailey nor Jenna would leave his side.  They are still very curious and don't like it when he cries.  For the first few nights, they were up with us every time he woke up to eat.  Jenna has even jumped on the bed during diaper changes to make sure her baby is okay.  

We spent the first week camped out at home for the most part. Fortunately, Clay stayed home with us and we were able to adjust to life with little man without a schedule or anywhere to be. Although he doesn't have much experience with babies, he's been incredible with Bryson. He's a natural, for sure!

Daddy & son heart-to-heart

On Friday, July 13, Bryson had his first doctor's appointment. He was up to 8 pounds 7 ounces and had grown 1/2" since birth. Dr. Johnston said Bryson is the picture of health. It's always reassuring to hear that about your baby, but after being in the NICU for 10 days, it's especially sweet!  This visit was the first time we had met his pediatrician since the doctor we had scheduled with informed us after Bryson's birth that he wasn't accepting new patients.  Bryson's doctor is GREAT.  He's very compassionate and obviously cares about his patients.

Bryson's cord finally fell off on July 19, so we were able to give him his first bath.  He isn't a fan of baths, but does like the water being poured on his head.

For the most part, he is on a 3-4 hour feeding schedule. Instead of trying to apply a schedule, we are letting Bryson determine when he eats. We'll start a schedule soon.  He usually sleeps great and nothing disturbs him. He's even slept a solid 6.5 hours at a time. That night made this mama very, very happy.

Last Monday, we hit the 3-week growth spurt and he was insatiable.  For roughly 16 hours, he wanted to eat every hour.  It was a really rough day to say the least.  We were both exhausted, but neither of us could sleep.  We are gearing up for another one in the coming week, but at least we know how to handle it now.

Nursing is umm... a learning experience. Because I began pumping while Bryson was in the NICU, my milk supply took awhile to regulate, so I had to exclusively nurse for awhile when we got home. That left me exhausted because it could easily take 90 minutes to change his diaper, feed him and get him back to sleep in the middle of the night. Less than 2 hours later, he'd be ready to eat again. We have since figured out a better system, but it seems like his needs are changing every day.  Learning how to venture outside of our walls has been difficult.  He eats so often and nursing in public isn't always easy.  Unfortunately, at the same time Bryson hit the growth spurt, I experienced a clogged duct.  Along with being the worst pain I've ever felt, it was very frustrating.  We've had to supplement with formula some, but are getting closer to being back to exclusively breast milk and B and I are close to being nursing pros!

He is still sleeping in his rock 'n' play in our room, but we are about to start transitioning him to his room by letting him take naps in there.  Besides the rock 'n' play, he also likes to nap (supervised) in his Boppy pillow, a.k.a. the baby recliner and cuddled up with Mommy on her pillow.

We have tummy time on his Baby Einstein play mat daily.  He loves to look at himself and will stare at the flickering lights until he falls asleep.

Being mommy to this little boy is an incredible and rewarding experience, one that far surpasses my every dream.  He is precious and I am so blessed to be his mommy.  While I love his cuddly phase, I am so excited to watch him grow and see his personality continue to blossom.

Overwhelmed

Since we've been preparing for Bryson's arrival, my Saturdays have been spent at showers, getting his room together or cleaning baseboards for the 40th time.  Between the packed weekends and less-than-sound sleep, I've been one exhausted gal lately.  Last weekend was one that every busy woman dreams of- no need for an alarm clock and a completely clear calendar.  

When I woke up Saturday morning, I expected to roll over and see Clay hogging the bed still sound asleep, but the bed was empty.  He rarely awakes before me, so I glanced at the clock.  It was already 8:00, which is the latest I've slept in months.  When I noticed Bailey and Jenna hadn't stirred, I decided to take advantage of the situation and stay in bed as long as I could.  When I finally got up, Clay was already eating breakfast and getting ready for an early workout.  I sat outside while the girls played in the backyard, reading the new edition of Cooking Light and sipping peach tea.  (Ok, so it was Crystal Light peach tea, but whatever) 


I decided to get out of the house for awhile, but first, I needed a bath... a bubble bath.  I got ready and went into town and decided errands just didn't sound fun, so I got a pedicure instead, then followed that with a haircut.  By the time I got home a few hours later, my mind was completely clear and I felt more relaxed than I have in months.  


I laid on the chaise part of our couch and Jenna immediately jumped up to spoon with me.  Clay brought a pillow over and joined us.  Because of the shape of our sectional, his body and mine made an L shape.  The three of us were sharing a pillow and watching Law & Order SVU.  My mind began to drift a little and I realized just how content I am with my life.


I learned a few years ago that if you ask God to reveal His blessings, you'll see them in every aspect of your life and the world around you.  Continuing the prayer to be aware of His presence makes colors brighter, puppies cuter and chocolate chip cookies smell even more Heavenly.  When I begin asking Him to reveal Himself, I really did notice colors in the flowers on my street that I had never noticed before.  I thanked God for creating my dogs because their only real purpose is to make me happy.  I haven't prayed that prayer in awhile, but after being wrapped up on the couch with my little family Saturday and realizing just how blessed I am, I couldn't help but thank God for knitting my life together in such a way.


I awoke early yesterday morning and looked at Clay.  I tell him all the time that he looks like a little boy when he sleeps.  He always looks so peaceful.  I watched him for a few minutes and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  After 4 years with this man, catching a glimpse of him can still take my breath away and I fall in love with him all over again.  I looked at the girls sound asleep in their beds; Jenna's tail was wagging in her sleep and Bailey was snoring like an old man.  My heart was just about to burst at the seams.


The last few months have been a whirlwind and my mind is constantly reeling.  I jump from one thing to the next, rarely taking time to be still.  I am so thankful that I got an opportunity last weekend to be still and see the blessings that surround me.  God is so good and I am so grateful that when I need it the most, He stills me and reminds me that His hand is in every aspect of my life.


My life isn't perfect. I have bad days at work and get frustrated with household chores; however, I have a great job in a tough economy and a roof over my head.  I have an amazing husband who thinks I'm precious and works hard for our family.  I have 2 furbabies who never fail to make me smile and have such crazy personalities that they keep us laughing.  I have had the best pregnancy I could ever ask for and we are  just days away from meeting our son.  My son is being born in a rough world, but will be surrounded by an incredible family.  My friends were definitely handpicked by God and are such blessings in my life.  All in all, I'd say I have it pretty darn good.  


Thank you, Lord, for continually pouring blessings into my life even though I don't deserve a single thing.  You are too, too good to me!

My New Title

Throughout my life, I've garnered a number of titles.  Before God even began knitting me together in my mom's womb, I was His child.  On August 19, 1983, I became a daughter, granddaughter, cousin and niece.  In 2008, I became Clay's girlfriend, then eventually fiancee and wife.  I'm blessed because I'm also called friend and "seestor."

In just 6 weeks (or less), I'll pick up a brand new title: Bryson's Mommy!  Adding mommy to my list of credentials seems so surreal.  It's a title I've dreamed of my entire life.

Being pregnant has been so different than I expected.  I've heard woman after woman complain about the hardships of pregnancy and very few seemed to enjoy it.  While I do deal with the typical aches, pains and annoyances, I have been blessed with an incredible pregnancy and it really has been an unbelievable experience.  Pregnancy, especially your first, is full of unknowns, "what if's," questions, doubts, fears, and mostly, awe at God's creation.  The excitement I experienced in the first few weeks was multiplied when I felt the first flutter and increased exponentially when I began to see my belly wobbling from his wiggling.  I never knew that you could love someone you had never seen (at least human and not God) with such depth.  As much as I love this little boy right now, I can only imagine what it's going to be like when he arrives and I see him for the first time.

I learned of Bryson's impending arrival at 4 weeks and 4 days along.  We saw him for the first time at 7 weeks and 6 days.  We've literally watched him grow from the size of an apple seed to a watermelon through ultrasounds and have followed along with what his little body was doing each week.

In just 21 weeks, our little guy went from this

 

to this.

Being a student of Biology, I have always been amazed by the miracle that is a new life, but now that this new life is a product of Clay and me, saying that I'm amazed is an understatement. Clay catches me staring at my belly all the time, just watching Bryson wiggle from side to side.  When he really starts moving, I can't control the giggles.  

I think a lot about this new title and have such a myriad of emotions about it.  First and foremost, I'm so, so, so excited, but I'm also nervous and well, scared even.  I look at the picture above and my heart is filled with joy and I can't suppress the girly "Awww" at his sweet little grumpy face.  I analyze his nose and lips, looking for our characteristics.  Just as quickly as the giggles come on, the nerves creep in.  In a mere month and a half, Clay and I will be responsible for another life- one that will be completely helpless for awhile.  I keep reminding myself that I have successfully kept dogs alive... but then again, my plants inevitably wither very quickly without fail.  Granted, Bailey & Jenna are pretty high maintenance and they've lasted years, so hopefully they've been good practice. I'll just have to make sure not to leave Bryson in the sun without water, I suppose.  ;)

I guess it's natural to feel nervous and overwhelmed at the thought of becoming a parent for the first time.  I think so much about the things that I want Bryson to learn and how Clay and I will best model those things. In looking back, my role model was most frequently my mom and Clay's, his dad.  Although we've learned things from our friends and school, the most important lessons came from the mouths or actions of our parents.  Knowing that my life is in the spotlight even more when Bryson comes along makes me more conscious of my every word and behavior.  Of course, Clay and I talk about this a lot and being the rational man he is, he always makes me feel better about this new adventure and all fears quickly fade away.  As grateful as I am about being promoted to Mommy, I'm just as thankful that my partner in the new position is Clay, the Daddy.

Dear Bryson

Dear Bryson,

We got to see you again yesterday. I never thought I'd look forward to visiting the doctor, but I count down the days each month, especially when we get an ultrasound. Your heartbeat is BY FAR the most amazing sound in the world. Seriously, it turns me into a puddle of Mommy goo every time I hear it. It's an amazing feat of willpower if the tears that well up in my eyes stay there instead of streaming down my face.

Obviously, I think about you every day. I wonder what you're doing in my belly- if you're sleeping and sometimes even if you're comfortable. I can usually tell when you're awake because you like that bladder shaped trampoline installed near you. :) I wonder what color hair you'll be born with and if you'll have your Daddy's eyes. I wonder if you can hear us talking to you and if you can tell the difference between me and Daddy. Sometimes Jenna lays her head or paw on my belly. I always wonder if you know that's your puppy saying hi to you.

Every Tuesday, I send an update on your development to your Daddy, grandparents, Aunt Trisha and Aunt Leigh. It's amazing to see how quickly you've developed. Being that I'm a Biology nerd and am adamantly pro-life, I know the stages of development, but until you came along, they were just facts. Now those facts are mixed with emotion, amazement and complete awe.

Just 18 weeks ago, you were conceived. I know, I know, you want to know nothing about your conception. That's as far as I'm going. I just can't stop thinking that in a mere 18 weeks, you've developed into a perfect, tiny human. You have working organs, fingerprints, eyelashes, taste buds. You're basically your Daddy, but in miniature form!

Your Daddy and I talk a lot about how amazing you are. You're bound to hear that from us your entire life, but right now, we're completely mesmerized by you. Yesterday, we watched as you extended your legs and flexed your foot. We watched your hand near your face as you searched for your mouth with your thumb. You were just being your baby self, but you had us laughing and me crying. We've bragged to everyone we know about your growth, your sweet little yawn and that you've got good muscle tone when you flex. Yes, you flexed, as evidenced here. I told you you're a mini Daddy!



I thought I knew love before you. After all, I love God and have had a lifelong relationship with Him. Your Daddy is the love of my life and I fall deeper in love with him on a daily basis. I love our family with my whole heart and my friends fill a very special place in my heart. Until you came along, I never understood that love between a Mom and her baby that I've heard so much about. Now I do. I understand a love so deep that means sacrificing whatever necessary, even chocolate and Diet Mountain Dew!! I understand a love that, on the fourth nightly bathroom trip at 3:00 AM, isn't annoying, but precious that the life inside me is growing.

Little man, your daddy and I are anxiously awaiting the day we get to meet you. We both agree it will be the best day of our lives, even better than our wedding day. Not only will we be together as husband and wife, but we'll meet the newest, smallest love of our lives and become Stoker Part of Three... err... Five. We can't leave the pups out. :)

We love you!