My Forever Valentine

I'm THAT girl.

You know the one- the child who cooks supper in her plastic kitchen and sets the table for two: herself and her imaginary husband.  The little girl who cradles her baby doll while singing it it sleep and telling her imaginary husband how perfect it is.

I knew at an early age that love was something I wanted.   I often had daydreams of what my adult life would look like.  I pictured the adoring husband, happy kids, loyal dog and white picket fence. I could never see my husband or children's faces, but they were always so beautiful.

Growing up in church, I learned what true love is.  When you first hear the story of Jesus and what He did for us, you know what love is.  When God's sacrifice truly hits home and touches your heart, you know what love is.  When the magnitude of that sacrifice truly touched me for the first time, it changed the way I thought about everything, including my future family.

The older I got, the more mature my fantasies became.  I still imagined my family, but those dreams became more realistic.  One Sunday evening at youth group, we divided into male and female groups and discussed finding the person God made for each of us.  That night, reality hit me like a ton of bricks and my view of my future husband changed completely.

That night, I wrote a letter to my future husband.   I can see it in my mind- purple ink on unlined paper, and well, slanted because who can write on unlined paper??  That night, I began to pray for my future husband- not that God would bring him to me because I knew He would, but that He would protect him in the trying teenager years and would mold him into  the man He intended him to be.  I was only in 7th grade, but had a clear perspective.

A few years later, I kissed dating goodbye.  Reading the book changed my dating life.  Throughout the remainder of my school years, I was very picky about who I dated.  That meant most weekends were spent at home while my friends were at the movies with new guys, but to me, dating just to have something to do wasn't worth it.  I dated sporadically, and at one point, thought briefly that I had found a potential match.  He wasn't who God had in mind.  While that realization hurt at the time, God gently reminded me that His plan is ALWAYS better than mine.  Boy, was he right!

At times, pledging myself to a man that still had no face in my dreams and whose name I didn't know was HARD.  When it got tough, I found myself cuddling up with a [lined] piece of paper and penning another letter.

March 8, 2008 was a day that changed my life, and the day that God showed me His promises are good, even if they seem to take forever to come to fruition.  That's the day I met the man God had created with me in mind, the man who would give me the most beautiful baby boy ever (totally not biased) and who would love me the way God intended me to be loved.

March 17, 2008

I can remember that night in vivid detail.  I was with my friend, Shannon, eating dessert pizza and drinking chocolate martinis (hello, sugar high!).  I walked outside and saw Clay against the rail.  He was in jeans and a dark purple Polo.  I should have noticed his eyes or smile first, but his arms caught my eye immediately.

As I typed that, I felt like God laughed.  He built Clay and put those guns on him for me.  Bwahaha.

Memorial Day 2008

My relationship with Clay blossomed quickly and was always so easy.  Conversation flowed with no awkward pauses and we had a lot in common.  (Too bad football loyalty is not one of them)  He kept me laughing and on my toes. I could let my guard down and just be myself.  He held my hand when we walked beside each other, and his hugs made me feel more secure than any ever had.  I missed him when we weren't together and wanted time with him daily.  Seeing him gave me butterflies, and even a kiss on the forehead left me breathless.  He became my sounding board and a shoulder to lean on.  Even though his Facebook-appointed title was boyfriend, it was far too shallow to describe what he was to me.  He was so much more- he was my best friend.  Within weeks, I knew that He was the one I had been praying so long for.

And then trouble hit.

Less than 5 months in, our relationship turned rocky overnight.  The next 16 months were tough.  We spent days arguing through text and nights fighting in person.  We broke up, got back together, broke up then hung out as "friends."  That always resulted in getting back together and repeating the vicious cycle many times over.  There were hurt feelings, lies, tears, anger, disappointment and distrust on both sides.  Through it all, we both felt like we were supposed to be together, but just could not make it work.  In November 2009, we called it quits for good.

(Yeah right.  Try to tell God you're changing His plan and see how He works.)

For the next month, we barely spoke.  We didn't see each other.  At all.

I jumped into two small groups and immersed myself in God and new friends.  I opened up about our issues to people I could trust so I could get clarity on the situation and to allow my heart to heal.  I specifically remember telling my friend, Amanda, about it.  While I don't remember the words she spoke, I remember the feeling that came over me.  Her words were divinely chosen and breathed new life into me.  A weight was immediately lifted from my shoulders and the hard shell around my heart began to crack and fall off.  When the conversation ended, I felt renewed, which is something I had wanted for so long.

Just two weeks after talking with Amanda, I saw Clay again.  The love I had for him was still there, but I was surprised that none of the other feelings- resentment, anger, distrust, sadness, guilt- were.  We spent the next year rebuilding our relationship.  God confirmed many times what we had known all along- that we were right where we belonged.  He used whatever means necessary to speak to us: friends, family and even movies.  Thinking back, I am so amazed at how quickly God was able to mend us when we just gave up and laid our problems at His feet.  What we couldn't resolve in 16 months took him no time.

In May 2011, I wrote to my future husband one more time.  I bundled it with the letters I had written previously, and on June 4, 2011, he finally got to read them right before I walked down to the aisle to become his wife.





We've been married for over 2.5 years now.  Our lives have changed so much since the day we met.  College classes have been replaced with jobs, and crazy professors with crazy coworkers.  Afternoons at the pool are now spent with floaties and squirt toys.  Date night conversation usually centers around the funny things Bryson did that day and how much we miss him already.  I still set the table for 2, but also pull up a highchair and we arm ourselves against food flying from all directions.  If we stay in for a movie night, it's usually produced by Disney and is interrupted by milk runs and diaper changes.  

Through all the change, a lot has remained the same.  I still get butterflies when I see him, especially when he's playing with our son.  His arms are still the safest place to be.  I miss him when we aren't together and anxiously await the end of the day when we're reunited.  He's still the first person I run to when I need to talk or need help.  Unfortunately, he's also still an Auburn fan.  Above all, he is still my best friend, my soulmate and the answer to hundreds of prayers.

Looking back at the fantasies of my childhood, my life doesn't compare.  I didn't get the things I daydreamed about, wished upon stars for, or the things I prayed about.  I got abundantly more.  Those elaborate childhood fantasies pale in comparison to reality.

Clay, 

I thank God for loving me more than I deserve, and for giving me more than I could have ever imagined.  You are so much more than I could have even asked for- I never would have even been able to dream up someone so perfect for me.  I am so thankful that it's you that God chose to be my partner in life.  We've been through so much already and I'm looking forward to many more years of adventures, firsts, lasts and everything in between.  I love you so much.  U=my<3

My First Test of Faith as a Parent

Growing up, when I got in trouble for something, my mom always said, "You'll understand when you're a parent." I got the same response when she requested I call her upon reaching my destination (even my honeymoon!) or she called in a panic because it had been a few days since we had spoken.

I swear, the woman is always right! It wasn't until I found out about Bryson that I understood the concerns that come with having children. The days before our first appointment were filled with doubt. Was I really pregnant? Was our little one okay in there? Between each monthly appointment, those same fears creep in. Am I eating enough or the right things to help him develop correctly? Did the doctors mess up by giving me that antibiotic? Did I just break his foot or whatever's stuck at my hip when I sat down too hard? (Don't make fun- it knocked the wind out of me, so I just knew I crushed toes. Ha)

Yesterday's appointment revealed my first true test of faith as parent.

We went to our appointment excited to see our little guy again. Since we're at 20 weeks, we were going to get to see him for an extended period while they check his heart, brain, spine and kidneys, and check his overall growth.

We spent 30 minutes oooing, aahing and giggling at his movements. Ok, I giggled, Clay just oohed and aahed. He had grown so much in the last 4 weeks and looked like a little monkey. His long legs, toes and arms were so precious and we even got a sneak peek at the 4D images. We learned that our little man is developing quickly. He is measuring a full 8 days ahead. At 20 weeks and 2 days, he's measuring 21 weeks and 3 days and already weighs a pound!

At the end of the ultrasound, I asked the tech how everything looked. Her response put me on a roller coaster of emotion. She started off by saying that everything looked great, and then said he has choroid plexus cysts on his brain. She continued by saying they see these in 1 of every 4 babies and typically go away by week 28, but that didn't make me feel better. Common or not, I don't want them on my precious baby! I wanted them gone IMMEDIATELY!

I took a few minutes to read a little about the cysts. The choroid plexus is an area of the brain that isn't involved in thinking or personality, but is responsible for making a fluid that protects and nourishes the brain and spinal cord. Basically, a choroid plexus cyst (CPD) is a fluid-filled space in that area of the brain. They can vary in size and shape and can be on one or both sides of the brain.

Regardless of how many there are and their size or shape, they're generally harmless if they are not accompanied by any other abnormalities. If there are other abnormalities, the cysts could indicate Trisomy 18.

As a human, it's easy to focus more on the last sentence instead of the positives. I won't pretend I didn't worry a little after reading that, but as a Christian, I am told not to worry.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I began praying and was reminded that God's got this under control! Since that reminder a mere hour after learning about the cysts, my attitude has changed. I'm not worrying about those cysts. I'm not worrying about this pregnancy. My God has those cysts in His hand. He has my little man in His hand. As concerned as I am for Bryson and his development, God is even more so because He loves him even more than I do!

When we go in for our 28 week appointment, not only will we get to see our little man again, but we WILL hear the words that the cysts are no more. God alone has the ability to remove them and I have faith that He will.

When I got pregnant, I gave Bryson back to God. After all, he belongs to God and God is just asking Clay and me to raise him. This test is inevitably the first of many, but with God's help, we'll get through every one. Only with God can you walk through fire without getting burned.

Your prayers for our little guy are greatly appreciated. In two months, you'll see God answered them. Just wait!