My Forever Valentine

I'm THAT girl.

You know the one- the child who cooks supper in her plastic kitchen and sets the table for two: herself and her imaginary husband.  The little girl who cradles her baby doll while singing it it sleep and telling her imaginary husband how perfect it is.

I knew at an early age that love was something I wanted.   I often had daydreams of what my adult life would look like.  I pictured the adoring husband, happy kids, loyal dog and white picket fence. I could never see my husband or children's faces, but they were always so beautiful.

Growing up in church, I learned what true love is.  When you first hear the story of Jesus and what He did for us, you know what love is.  When God's sacrifice truly hits home and touches your heart, you know what love is.  When the magnitude of that sacrifice truly touched me for the first time, it changed the way I thought about everything, including my future family.

The older I got, the more mature my fantasies became.  I still imagined my family, but those dreams became more realistic.  One Sunday evening at youth group, we divided into male and female groups and discussed finding the person God made for each of us.  That night, reality hit me like a ton of bricks and my view of my future husband changed completely.

That night, I wrote a letter to my future husband.   I can see it in my mind- purple ink on unlined paper, and well, slanted because who can write on unlined paper??  That night, I began to pray for my future husband- not that God would bring him to me because I knew He would, but that He would protect him in the trying teenager years and would mold him into  the man He intended him to be.  I was only in 7th grade, but had a clear perspective.

A few years later, I kissed dating goodbye.  Reading the book changed my dating life.  Throughout the remainder of my school years, I was very picky about who I dated.  That meant most weekends were spent at home while my friends were at the movies with new guys, but to me, dating just to have something to do wasn't worth it.  I dated sporadically, and at one point, thought briefly that I had found a potential match.  He wasn't who God had in mind.  While that realization hurt at the time, God gently reminded me that His plan is ALWAYS better than mine.  Boy, was he right!

At times, pledging myself to a man that still had no face in my dreams and whose name I didn't know was HARD.  When it got tough, I found myself cuddling up with a [lined] piece of paper and penning another letter.

March 8, 2008 was a day that changed my life, and the day that God showed me His promises are good, even if they seem to take forever to come to fruition.  That's the day I met the man God had created with me in mind, the man who would give me the most beautiful baby boy ever (totally not biased) and who would love me the way God intended me to be loved.

March 17, 2008

I can remember that night in vivid detail.  I was with my friend, Shannon, eating dessert pizza and drinking chocolate martinis (hello, sugar high!).  I walked outside and saw Clay against the rail.  He was in jeans and a dark purple Polo.  I should have noticed his eyes or smile first, but his arms caught my eye immediately.

As I typed that, I felt like God laughed.  He built Clay and put those guns on him for me.  Bwahaha.

Memorial Day 2008

My relationship with Clay blossomed quickly and was always so easy.  Conversation flowed with no awkward pauses and we had a lot in common.  (Too bad football loyalty is not one of them)  He kept me laughing and on my toes. I could let my guard down and just be myself.  He held my hand when we walked beside each other, and his hugs made me feel more secure than any ever had.  I missed him when we weren't together and wanted time with him daily.  Seeing him gave me butterflies, and even a kiss on the forehead left me breathless.  He became my sounding board and a shoulder to lean on.  Even though his Facebook-appointed title was boyfriend, it was far too shallow to describe what he was to me.  He was so much more- he was my best friend.  Within weeks, I knew that He was the one I had been praying so long for.

And then trouble hit.

Less than 5 months in, our relationship turned rocky overnight.  The next 16 months were tough.  We spent days arguing through text and nights fighting in person.  We broke up, got back together, broke up then hung out as "friends."  That always resulted in getting back together and repeating the vicious cycle many times over.  There were hurt feelings, lies, tears, anger, disappointment and distrust on both sides.  Through it all, we both felt like we were supposed to be together, but just could not make it work.  In November 2009, we called it quits for good.

(Yeah right.  Try to tell God you're changing His plan and see how He works.)

For the next month, we barely spoke.  We didn't see each other.  At all.

I jumped into two small groups and immersed myself in God and new friends.  I opened up about our issues to people I could trust so I could get clarity on the situation and to allow my heart to heal.  I specifically remember telling my friend, Amanda, about it.  While I don't remember the words she spoke, I remember the feeling that came over me.  Her words were divinely chosen and breathed new life into me.  A weight was immediately lifted from my shoulders and the hard shell around my heart began to crack and fall off.  When the conversation ended, I felt renewed, which is something I had wanted for so long.

Just two weeks after talking with Amanda, I saw Clay again.  The love I had for him was still there, but I was surprised that none of the other feelings- resentment, anger, distrust, sadness, guilt- were.  We spent the next year rebuilding our relationship.  God confirmed many times what we had known all along- that we were right where we belonged.  He used whatever means necessary to speak to us: friends, family and even movies.  Thinking back, I am so amazed at how quickly God was able to mend us when we just gave up and laid our problems at His feet.  What we couldn't resolve in 16 months took him no time.

In May 2011, I wrote to my future husband one more time.  I bundled it with the letters I had written previously, and on June 4, 2011, he finally got to read them right before I walked down to the aisle to become his wife.





We've been married for over 2.5 years now.  Our lives have changed so much since the day we met.  College classes have been replaced with jobs, and crazy professors with crazy coworkers.  Afternoons at the pool are now spent with floaties and squirt toys.  Date night conversation usually centers around the funny things Bryson did that day and how much we miss him already.  I still set the table for 2, but also pull up a highchair and we arm ourselves against food flying from all directions.  If we stay in for a movie night, it's usually produced by Disney and is interrupted by milk runs and diaper changes.  

Through all the change, a lot has remained the same.  I still get butterflies when I see him, especially when he's playing with our son.  His arms are still the safest place to be.  I miss him when we aren't together and anxiously await the end of the day when we're reunited.  He's still the first person I run to when I need to talk or need help.  Unfortunately, he's also still an Auburn fan.  Above all, he is still my best friend, my soulmate and the answer to hundreds of prayers.

Looking back at the fantasies of my childhood, my life doesn't compare.  I didn't get the things I daydreamed about, wished upon stars for, or the things I prayed about.  I got abundantly more.  Those elaborate childhood fantasies pale in comparison to reality.

Clay, 

I thank God for loving me more than I deserve, and for giving me more than I could have ever imagined.  You are so much more than I could have even asked for- I never would have even been able to dream up someone so perfect for me.  I am so thankful that it's you that God chose to be my partner in life.  We've been through so much already and I'm looking forward to many more years of adventures, firsts, lasts and everything in between.  I love you so much.  U=my<3

Bryson: Nine Months

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Weight:  At your 9 month checkup, you weighed 22 pounds and 8.5 ounces.  You went from the 95th percentile at your previous appointments to the 80th at the most recent appointment.  I am glad to see that your weight gain is regulating.  You're still a biiiig ol' boy, though!

Height: As of April 2, you were 29 3/4 inches, which is the 95th percentile.  You have been in the greater than 98th percentile until this appointment.  Again, I'm glad to see your growing is regulating some too.  I'm hopeful that you'll actually wear clothes more than once now!

Eating Habits: You are still eating 5 bottles a day, but are down to 29-30 ounces.

You decided that purees were no good and wouldn't open your mouth for them anymore.  A few times, you even swatted my hand away.  You know, I can't blame you.  Who wants to eat mush when you have teefies that can chew through ribs?  Yes, ribs.  You're a big fan of ribs.

Your breakfasts, lunches and suppers are the same foods we eat.  For breakfast, you love waffles with peanut butter and are warming up to scrambled eggs.  You always have fruit with your breakfast also and FINALLY like bananas.  Granddaddy Heald will be thrilled!  For lunch and supper, you always get a protein, vegetable and fruit.  You usually go for the vegetable first.


Milestones: You are learning to use a spoon really well.  I load it with the food and you take it from me, then guide it to your mouth.  Only when you begin to get full does the spoon fly around.


I have been trying to get you to use a sippy cup, but you just chewed on the spout.  I decided to try a new kind and since then, we have cycled through a few, but have finally found one you'll use.  You have started drinking diluted apple juice to help your belly handle all the new foods and are a master at the sippy cup!  You have knocked back 5 ounces of liquid (roughly 2-3 ounces of juice) in 2 minutes flat!

Favorite Things: You LOOOOVE cell phones.  When I take a picture with my iPhone, you start posing, then try to take the phone away from me.  I was able to capture this succession of pictures that really show how pictures are taken in our house.

I downloaded an app that's designed to help babies learn to speak.  You have  learned how to swipe the phone to change the pictures, to tap the screen to hear the lady say the word and to tap the word at the bottom to hear her spell it.  It keeps you occupied for awhile, but eventually, you get bored and my phone goes straight to your mouth.  Ha.

Your Sophie toy is still a favorite, especially as new teeth come through.  You learned how to make her squeak months ago, but now, you think it's funny to bend her neck quickly and make the squeak sound funny.  While in Target one day, you picked out a small gray monkey and it goes everywhere with you!  Along with that monkey, you have taken over a monkey Daddy had made for me on my birthday in 2008.   Maybe the monkey fascination is because I call you my little monkey. ;)

Not-So-Favorite Things:  You aren't a big fan of cauliflower.  I don't know if it's because it has to steamed so much to make it manageable or if it's the taste, but you don't want anything to do with it.  You'll eat if I make what we call fauxtatoes (basically cauliflower made to resemble potatoes) with it and mix it with something else, but you do not want it by itself.  Yet again, I can't say I blame you.

You're going through a separation anxiety phase.  For roughly 2 weeks, if I left the room, you pitched a fit.  I'm not talking about crying a little; it was much more than that.  You would scream bloody murder, throw yourself backward and cry huge crocodile tears.  Fortunately, you only whined twice when I left you at daycare and never cried, but at home, you were downright mad if I left you.  Nothing could stop it, even Daddy holding you when I walked away, and nothing made it better besides me picking you up.  It's beginning to calm down for the most part, thankfully.

Other Bryson News:

The weather is warming up and we met Kellen and his mommy, Mrs. Paige, for play time at the park.  It was your first time playing with another baby outside of school and you seemed to enjoy it.  You share very well, and even offered your half eaten cookie to Kellen when he reached for it.  We hope you and Kellen will be good friends!

Your personality has been obvious for awhile now, but lately, you are really showing what a goofball you are.  One morning, you were carrying on a conversation with Jenna and having a one-"man" dance party.  I start snapping pictures and you started showing off for the camera.  When I went back to look at the pictures I took, I busted out laughing.  You are such a little ham and keep us in stitches.  These are my favorite pictures of you so far.

Daddy and I have loved you since the two lines popped up on the pregnancy test, but with each day that passes, we wonder how we ever lived without you.  You are such an essential part of our family and we really feel like you complete it.  We couldn't ask for a better baby and are so incredibly blessed that God chose us to be your parents.  We love you, my little Stinkbug.

Bryson: Month Seven

Weight: As of 1/23/13, you weighed 20 pounds and 12 ounces.  I think your weight gain is finally slowing some.  You've gained an average of close to 2 pounds a month since birth!

Height: At your appointment on 1/23, you were 29 inches.  You grew a whole inch in a month!  We bought a new 6-9 month wardrobe and two weeks later, had to buy longer pants!

Eating Habits: 
You went down to 4 bottles a day, but decided that wasn't enough, so we're up to 4.5 now.  You also get applesauce, fruit or yogurt in the morning and some kind of veggie or veggie and meat puree at night.  We also give you finger foods at random times.  You don't really eat much of them, but are learning to get them to your mouth and to chew.

I have waited to give you eggs for awhile, but after talking to your doctor and finding out you can have them now, I was excited to let you try them.  On January 21, my work and your school were closed, so we were home for the day.  I decided to make you scrambled eggs and toast (okay, plain bread).  You were excited when I laid the plate on your highchair, but that excitement quickly faded away at first touch.

When you touch something that's squishy, you make the same "Eww" face.  You usually give most things another shot, but not eggs.  You prefer to play with the "toast."



Milestones:

You have taken a few crawling steps, but aren't really interested in it.  You prefer to stand up.  You began to pull  yourself up and stand stick straight with no rolled feet or bent knees at about 6.5 months.  This picture is from the first weekend that you did it.  I held you up and you grabbed the crib rails and held on for dear life.  You couldn't figure out how to get down and grunted until I helped.

Now you can hold on to something, like the ottoman, your crib or our thumbs, and stand for minutes at a time and are able to figure out how to sit back down.  I think you may end up walking before you crawl.  I may need to invest in a helmet!

Your first tooth (bottom front left) appeared on January 8.  It was barely through the gum when we dropped you off with Grandmommy on January 11.  When I picked you up the next day, you had another one!  You've been awesome with teething for the most part.  Even with Tylenol or Motrin and teething tablets, you occasionally have wakeful nights.  I think you've discovered the best medicine is mommy snuggles... in her bed.
   

When you spent the night with Grandmommy, Maw Maw Kimbrell started teaching you "Bye bye."  You haven't mastered it yet, but will bend the tips of your fingers when we make the motion with our hands.  When we start saying "Byyyye bye," you laugh like it's the funniest thing you've ever heard.

On January 20, 2013, you had your first haircut.  Your hair was past your ears and halfway down your forehead.  Daddy has been trying to get me to let him do it for weeks, but I resisted.  Finally, when your hair went completely curly after a bath and wouldn't lay down, I decided we better take the plunge.  Your daddy started the cut, but gapped it above your ears, so I took over.  You were very curious about what we were doing and tried to grab everything.  If a piece of hair fell that we missed, you found it and quickly pulled it to your mouth.  You tried to grab the scissors multiple times and eventually had to be entertained with your hairbrush sword.  When we were done, you looked like a big boy and I wanted to glue it back on!

Favorite Things: 
You started blowing raspberries with your tongue a few months ago, but you've suddenly become obsessed.  You'll blow and blow and crack yourself up, especially if you happen to do it in someone's face.

In the last two weeks, you have started growling.  I don't know where it came from, but I think it's probably a spin-off of the noises we make when we play with you.  Before Daddy blows on your belly or tickles you, and when I try to make you laugh, we make a growling noise.  Your noise starts out very throaty and gets louder, then suddenly, you're laughing at yourself.  Last week, your teacher greeted you upon arrival to school and you responded with a growl and a hearty laugh.

Since you came home from the hospital, Jenna has been very protective of you, but still very hesitant.  As you get bigger, she is getting more comfortable with you and has to be wherever you are.  She lies next to your exersaucer while you jump, and if you get down in the floor, she's right next to you.  When we practice crawling, she gets next to you like she's trying to show you how to do it.

Bailey is a little more standoffish and likes to be the one to approach you.  She will let you grab her, but isn't quite as patient as Jenna and walks away pretty quickly.  She has to be in the same room as you most of the time, but would rather keep her distance.  When she sees a chance, she will sneak in a lick and get away quickly.  She won't give me enough time to get a picture of the two of you together.

You are very aware of where the dogs are and love to touch them.  Jenna doesn't care of you tug on her ears or tail, and even lets you pull her hair when you "pet" her.  We sit down together each day and have Bailey or Jenna sit next to you so I can guide your hand easily over their heads and backs.  You're learning to pet gently, but of course, like any boy has to do to his sister, you still like to pull her hair on occasion. :)

You pucker your lips a lot.  You started doing it to mimic me when I would give you kisses.  Now you do it at random times.  Last weekend, we were at a restaurant when we noticed you were doing it a lot.  We call it your Zoolander look (it's from a movie featuring Ben Stiller).  You usually follow a lip pucker by rapidly shaking your head no and laughing or giving Mommy kisses.  While the first is hilarious, I prefer the second. :)

Not-So-Favorite Things:
You were diagnosed with bronchiolitis on December 26, 2012.  Your symptoms are finally starting to subside, but in the last month, we have had to suction your nose and use saline drops before each feeding and sleep.  You can see the bulb syringe in a drawer and start shaking your head.  I think I've finally mastered the one-hand grab, but you still fight with everything you have to keep us from doing it!


Other Bryson News:
On Wednesday, January 2, your teacher in Infant 1 had to leave because she was sick.  You spent the day in Infant 2 and as we were leaving, the Director asked me if it was okay for you to move up because you had a blast.  I thought babies had to be crawling to move up since the crawlers typically bug the ones who don't, but they said you were Mr. Popular.  When I got there to get you the first day, you were sitting on a play mat with a little boy named John Weston, playing a trumpet.  They said you had a blast and played with everyone really well.

Since you sit up so well by yourself, you sit in your own big boy seat when we go out to eat.  The first time you tried the highchair, you hated it.  Now you realize you have some independence and are able to people watch.

You love to kick your legs back and forth sitting in a highchair and if you make contact with my leg, you keep doing it for fun.  You've discovered in the last week that the new angle and height gives you access to grab my food.  When we went to eat with Heather last week, I gave you my pickle to keep you entertained.  It was a hit!

You had your first business meeting this month. :)  We were at home for a holiday and Daddy had to work, so we went to visit him.  You had some pretty serious matters to discuss.  You even went on a business lunch in the break room and discussed matters with Daddy's coworkers.  Your crunchy book that makes kissy noises was the first thing on the agenda.

On January 7, 2013, the University of Alabama Crimson Tide won its 15th national championship.  You, Grandmama and I went to Tuscaloosa for the celebration parade and got to go inside the stadium.  You were enthralled by the parade and the number of people, but when we walked in the stadium, you stared in awe.  You were amazed by everything.  The first time you ever touched grass was in the Alabama endzone.  Remember that. :)

Bryson, you are seriously the most amazing little boy.  I have lived my life knowing God was in the miracle business and you are living proof.  Each day, you grow a little taller, learn something that blows my mind and capture my heart a little more.  Your daddy and I are completely head over heels in love with you.  We thought we were a great little family before, but on June 28, 2012, we realized we were missing a piece of the puzzle and only you could fill it.  We love you so much!

Overwhelmed

Since we've been preparing for Bryson's arrival, my Saturdays have been spent at showers, getting his room together or cleaning baseboards for the 40th time.  Between the packed weekends and less-than-sound sleep, I've been one exhausted gal lately.  Last weekend was one that every busy woman dreams of- no need for an alarm clock and a completely clear calendar.  

When I woke up Saturday morning, I expected to roll over and see Clay hogging the bed still sound asleep, but the bed was empty.  He rarely awakes before me, so I glanced at the clock.  It was already 8:00, which is the latest I've slept in months.  When I noticed Bailey and Jenna hadn't stirred, I decided to take advantage of the situation and stay in bed as long as I could.  When I finally got up, Clay was already eating breakfast and getting ready for an early workout.  I sat outside while the girls played in the backyard, reading the new edition of Cooking Light and sipping peach tea.  (Ok, so it was Crystal Light peach tea, but whatever) 


I decided to get out of the house for awhile, but first, I needed a bath... a bubble bath.  I got ready and went into town and decided errands just didn't sound fun, so I got a pedicure instead, then followed that with a haircut.  By the time I got home a few hours later, my mind was completely clear and I felt more relaxed than I have in months.  


I laid on the chaise part of our couch and Jenna immediately jumped up to spoon with me.  Clay brought a pillow over and joined us.  Because of the shape of our sectional, his body and mine made an L shape.  The three of us were sharing a pillow and watching Law & Order SVU.  My mind began to drift a little and I realized just how content I am with my life.


I learned a few years ago that if you ask God to reveal His blessings, you'll see them in every aspect of your life and the world around you.  Continuing the prayer to be aware of His presence makes colors brighter, puppies cuter and chocolate chip cookies smell even more Heavenly.  When I begin asking Him to reveal Himself, I really did notice colors in the flowers on my street that I had never noticed before.  I thanked God for creating my dogs because their only real purpose is to make me happy.  I haven't prayed that prayer in awhile, but after being wrapped up on the couch with my little family Saturday and realizing just how blessed I am, I couldn't help but thank God for knitting my life together in such a way.


I awoke early yesterday morning and looked at Clay.  I tell him all the time that he looks like a little boy when he sleeps.  He always looks so peaceful.  I watched him for a few minutes and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  After 4 years with this man, catching a glimpse of him can still take my breath away and I fall in love with him all over again.  I looked at the girls sound asleep in their beds; Jenna's tail was wagging in her sleep and Bailey was snoring like an old man.  My heart was just about to burst at the seams.


The last few months have been a whirlwind and my mind is constantly reeling.  I jump from one thing to the next, rarely taking time to be still.  I am so thankful that I got an opportunity last weekend to be still and see the blessings that surround me.  God is so good and I am so grateful that when I need it the most, He stills me and reminds me that His hand is in every aspect of my life.


My life isn't perfect. I have bad days at work and get frustrated with household chores; however, I have a great job in a tough economy and a roof over my head.  I have an amazing husband who thinks I'm precious and works hard for our family.  I have 2 furbabies who never fail to make me smile and have such crazy personalities that they keep us laughing.  I have had the best pregnancy I could ever ask for and we are  just days away from meeting our son.  My son is being born in a rough world, but will be surrounded by an incredible family.  My friends were definitely handpicked by God and are such blessings in my life.  All in all, I'd say I have it pretty darn good.  


Thank you, Lord, for continually pouring blessings into my life even though I don't deserve a single thing.  You are too, too good to me!

Bryson's Room

After months of agonizing over whether or not to get a bedding set, if we should paint the walls since we plan to put the house on the market soon, and how to incorporate a Bible verse we've been getting from God repeatedly, Bryson's room is done.  I set a deadline of June 10 for everything to be complete, including getting all of the things we'll need immediately, packing his hospital bag, installing the car seat and finishing his room.  We are 10 days ahead of schedule and it feels GREAT!

The wreath on the door.  This will also be on the hospital door.

The view from the door.  I still need to shift the ball canvases.  There were 4, but one looked terrible, so I trashed it.

Above the door

His crib

Inside the crib.  Of course, these things will come out when he sleeps in there.
The gray bunny is the only stuffed animal I have from my childhood and it won't be played with.
Clay and I built the monkey with the aviators for my birthday in 2008.  When you squeeze his hand, Clay's best monkey impression plays.  I love it!

The rug in front of the crib.  I can already see toy cars lining the streets.
The baseball glove was his Daddy's.

The recliner is temporary in there as it really belongs in the man cave.  We just needed a place to keep it until we move.
The pillow is made from the bumper that came with the bedding set.  The afghan is Alabama & Auburn colors and was made by Christy at Yarn Over Little Rock.

The dresser  I put together all by myself.  Go me!  The stuffed blue dog will come down eventually, but  a certain little black dog keeps trying to play with it.  Bryson's first ultrasound picture is in the frame. He was such a little guy then.

I found the football frame, coin bank and field chalkboard at Target and couldn't resist.  I made the baseball bookends on a whim and love how they turned out.  The frame contains the poem Clay's parents wrote and framed for Christmas.

Clay and I have been hearing this verse a lot when praying about Bryson, so we knew we wanted to incorporate it into his room.  We played with a lot of designs and couldn't come with anything until this.  It didn't turn out quite the way we wanted, but it works.

One side of his closet.  All newborn and 0-3 month clothes are in his dresser, so these are all 3+ months.  The nightstand is full of wipes and books.

Above the closet door.

Now all we need is a little boy and we're set!

My New Title

Throughout my life, I've garnered a number of titles.  Before God even began knitting me together in my mom's womb, I was His child.  On August 19, 1983, I became a daughter, granddaughter, cousin and niece.  In 2008, I became Clay's girlfriend, then eventually fiancee and wife.  I'm blessed because I'm also called friend and "seestor."

In just 6 weeks (or less), I'll pick up a brand new title: Bryson's Mommy!  Adding mommy to my list of credentials seems so surreal.  It's a title I've dreamed of my entire life.

Being pregnant has been so different than I expected.  I've heard woman after woman complain about the hardships of pregnancy and very few seemed to enjoy it.  While I do deal with the typical aches, pains and annoyances, I have been blessed with an incredible pregnancy and it really has been an unbelievable experience.  Pregnancy, especially your first, is full of unknowns, "what if's," questions, doubts, fears, and mostly, awe at God's creation.  The excitement I experienced in the first few weeks was multiplied when I felt the first flutter and increased exponentially when I began to see my belly wobbling from his wiggling.  I never knew that you could love someone you had never seen (at least human and not God) with such depth.  As much as I love this little boy right now, I can only imagine what it's going to be like when he arrives and I see him for the first time.

I learned of Bryson's impending arrival at 4 weeks and 4 days along.  We saw him for the first time at 7 weeks and 6 days.  We've literally watched him grow from the size of an apple seed to a watermelon through ultrasounds and have followed along with what his little body was doing each week.

In just 21 weeks, our little guy went from this

 

to this.

Being a student of Biology, I have always been amazed by the miracle that is a new life, but now that this new life is a product of Clay and me, saying that I'm amazed is an understatement. Clay catches me staring at my belly all the time, just watching Bryson wiggle from side to side.  When he really starts moving, I can't control the giggles.  

I think a lot about this new title and have such a myriad of emotions about it.  First and foremost, I'm so, so, so excited, but I'm also nervous and well, scared even.  I look at the picture above and my heart is filled with joy and I can't suppress the girly "Awww" at his sweet little grumpy face.  I analyze his nose and lips, looking for our characteristics.  Just as quickly as the giggles come on, the nerves creep in.  In a mere month and a half, Clay and I will be responsible for another life- one that will be completely helpless for awhile.  I keep reminding myself that I have successfully kept dogs alive... but then again, my plants inevitably wither very quickly without fail.  Granted, Bailey & Jenna are pretty high maintenance and they've lasted years, so hopefully they've been good practice. I'll just have to make sure not to leave Bryson in the sun without water, I suppose.  ;)

I guess it's natural to feel nervous and overwhelmed at the thought of becoming a parent for the first time.  I think so much about the things that I want Bryson to learn and how Clay and I will best model those things. In looking back, my role model was most frequently my mom and Clay's, his dad.  Although we've learned things from our friends and school, the most important lessons came from the mouths or actions of our parents.  Knowing that my life is in the spotlight even more when Bryson comes along makes me more conscious of my every word and behavior.  Of course, Clay and I talk about this a lot and being the rational man he is, he always makes me feel better about this new adventure and all fears quickly fade away.  As grateful as I am about being promoted to Mommy, I'm just as thankful that my partner in the new position is Clay, the Daddy.

Joy Through Suffering

Throughout our lives, we will inevitably see a great deal of suffering, whether it be a person fighting for his life, a couple considering divorce or a single mother trying to keep food on the table for her children. As Christians, we are not free from life's struggles, but have Help through all hard times (Matthew 11:28-29, Isaiah 40:29-31).

While I have not read Rhonda Byrne's book The Secret (and do not intend to), from what I've gleaned from reviews and friends, I believe she has a good point, at least in theory. The "secret" she shares is living a life of joy through your attitude. Her book is not written from a Christian perspective, but is written with a Godly attitude, in my opinion.

Last week, I watched Ben Breedlove's video that has recently gone viral over the internet. In his 18 years of life, Ben learned more than many of us ever will. Although he was born with a very serious heart condition, he lived a life filled with joy. As you watch the video, you will learn that the experiences in which he "cheated death" didn't scare him, but gave him hope for the future, whatever and wherever that may be. At the age of 4, he saw "the bright light" and even in his innocence, recognized the presence of God. He made this video a week before he passed away. While his family and friends are obviously suffering from their loss, through this video, it is obvious that Ben is happy where he is and he was very satisfied with the things he accomplished in his short life.



When I think of someone living a life of joy, I immediately think of Ed Horn. No, you probably don't know him and you haven't heard his story. I never had the privilege of meeting Ed, but he has long been an inspiration in my life. He is the late husband of my dear friend, Kelley. Ed suffered from anaplastic large cell lymphoma in leukemic phase (I think that's right- I always mess that up) and his health declined rapidly. He spent the majority of his last months on Earth in the hospital, but his faith in God and the joy in the life God had given him was unwavering. There are two things I remember vividly from his journey to Heaven: on their anniversary, Ed and Kelley danced in the hospital, and after he passed, Kelley found he had written in His Bible that God held his cancer in His hands. I can only imagine the pain Ed felt, both physically and emotionally, but he always had a beaming smile on his face and spoke to so many people through that smile.


A few years ago, after praying for circumstances in my life, I realized that I was no longer living a life of joy; my overflowing glass had become half-empty. I began praying that God would break through the shell around my heart so I could once again live a life like Ed and Ben. I wanted to feel God's joy, no matter the circumstance. As God began to reveal Himself to me, I found myself more willing to open up my heart to Him. He began to mold me and to change my heart and my attitude... and I found joy again. Once again, I learned to fully rely on God and began to see Him in everything- from the geese that held up traffic as they slowly waddled across 280 to the purple flowers budding in trees. I saw God on the faces of the women at the shelter and in the stripes of the zebras at the zoo. When you ask God to reveal himself, He does just that!

In hindsight, I can see God's hand in the struggle. What once was misery is now one of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Not only did I see the things I was doing to fail God and really, myself by allowing Satan to rob just one minute of joy, but I also learned that God was there with every step, even if I wasn't willing to acknowledge Him.

In saying all of this, I'm not trying to portray a Mary Poppins type life; I have days where I fall apart. Some days, it's as simple as the house smelling funny because the trash didn't go out. Others, I have real problems, like my cousin and lifelong partner in crime in ICU, nearly paralyzed. The difference between then and now is how I handle those things.

As Christians, we have a choice in every situation. We can let Satan exchange that minute of joy for a moment of heartache or we can have hope that God's got everything under control. As for me, I want my hope to make me glad. I want to find my joy, even in suffering.

Romans 12:12 Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.

Proverbs 10:28 The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Two months ago today, I learned of your existence. As I try to describe the flood of emotions, I find myself at a loss for words. I'll admit it- the first was panic. While your Daddy and I have dreamed of you, you were arriving a bit earlier than we expected (you take after me and not your Daddy in that aspect). When my nerves settled, I got giggly. You'll inevitably see this emotion from me plenty of times. No matter the emotion I'm feeling, I feel it deeply... and wear it on my sleeve. Before I even told your Daddy about you, I was already picturing your cute little mouth and eyes the color of your Daddy's.

Speaking of your Daddy, when he found out, he started glowing. It makes me tear up every time I think of his reaction to the news. I was in tears, thinking he'd be concerned about your early arrival, but he got a big, goofy grin. He's an incredible, incredible man and will be an amazing Dad. He talks about you all the time and when he gets home from work, he rubs my belly and talks to you. He is so smitten already and you're still less than 3 inches long!

Your Daddy's smile was even bigger!

My lifelong dream has always been to have a family.  I've had the typical girl fantasies of a handsome husband, well-behaved kids, a dog or two and a home with a fenced backyard.  Growing up, I played house with my neighbors and cousins and I had more "life-like" baby dolls than any girl ever should.  I nursed boo boos, made up bedtime stories, and went on dates with my imaginary husband.

In June 2011, part one of that fantasy came true when I married your Daddy.  As you'll see in these posts, our relationship hasn't been perfect, but it was perfect for us.  We fought hard for our relationship and God intervened at the right time to ensure our union.  While we had a rough few months, it was all worth it because we learned how to communicate, how important our love for one another was, and most importantly, how important God's role in a relationship is.  When we got married, we had the dogs and the house, so all that was missing was you!  We had planned to wait to try for you until spring/summer of 2012, but God had other plans.

In all my daydreaming, I never went past the ideal scenario and considered what my fantasies entailed.  A marriage takes work- it takes a real commitment and genuine love for one another, learning to live with what you see as flaws in the other person (you know, leaving dirty socks in the middle of the floor or thinking every knick-knack in the house has a PRECISE spot), and being the person your mate needs and wants you to be.  Through our struggles, we learned how to deal with so many things, but marriage is definitely a never-ending lesson and one that I'm enjoying more than I ever imagined.

In regard to you, I didn't really consider the sleepless nights or the expense of diapers and daycare.  I never considered how my actions would affect you.  I thought about the adorable clothes and your toothless grins, the cute nursery and how good babies smell.  After all, this was a fantasy- who wanted to think of the hard stuff? Now that we're just 6 months away from meeting you, those thoughts are creeping in.  I can't believe it, but this lazy ol' bum is excited about all the work.  Sure, I hope you miraculously sleep through the night (bonus points if you're born potty trained), but since chances of that are slim, I look forward to the hours we'll spend cuddled together while I sing you to sleep (thank God that you won't remember this time and therefore, won't be terrified of my voice), changing diapers (or laughing as Daddy does it), and changing your clothes for the 4th time in one day. I realize that while I'm doing the not-so-pleasant things, I will also be watching you as you discover your little fingers and toes, seeing you smile for the first time and take your first steps.

Since we got married, Daddy and I have been talking about the aspects of our raising that we want our children to learn and the things we may do differently.  The closer we get to your arrival, the more I think of these things.  I realized last week that so many things I do and think are products of my raising and when a friend had a hard time, I was able to point to something in her childhood that produced the behavior.  I'll be honest here again- that scared me to death!  Your Daddy had a good point when I voiced my concerns: he and I were raised in similar fashions by great parents and with role models like that, we have patterns to repeat and a strong support system.  No, I don't know how we'll actually handle certain parenting situations because we've never done it and each kiddo is different, but I do know that we'll do everything in our power to make your life a great one.

I am probably beginning to babble because there is so much I want to say to you.  I will leave you with this: you are already loved so much, by Daddy and me, but also by your grandparents and our families.  Your Daddy and I have some awesome friends who are just as anxious about meeting you as we are.  More importantly, God loves you more than any of us could ever fathom.  He has ordained your life for something special and your Daddy and I have already given you back to Him.  Since you are God's child and we were chosen to raise you, we will rely heavily on God's direction.  While we make mistakes in our lives and will in yours, please know that we consider you in every move we make and are doing our very best to mold you into a great man or woman of God.

We love you and can't wait to meet you!

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

PS. I'm adding these photos in for reference of all the people who are excited about your arrival.  Before you see the pictures, let me explain.  Facebook is a social networking site that's used by millions.  By the time you read my blog posts and this letter, chances are good that Facebook will only be found in history books.  You post something and all of your online friends can see.  They can choose to respond or just "like" what you have to say.  Just announcing your arrival made a lot of people really happy.





Every time I post about you, whether it's hearing your perfect little heartbeat or a picture of something that belongs to you, people go nuts!  You're a popular kiddo already and it makes this mommy very proud!

Being Resolute

Resolution {rez-uh-loo-shuh'n}: a resolve or determination, the mental state or quality of being resolute.

I'm not a New Year's resolution kind of gal. I've made the obligatory weight loss and gym goals many years, only to go the way of the rest of the resolutioners by January 31. I've had one successful change - in 2004, I gave up the 6+ Mountain Dew's and Dr. Peppers I drank daily for water and diet beverages and have not looked back.

With 2012 being a year of big change for the Stoker family, my "resolutions" aren't the typical variety. Yes, after July, I will need to lose some baby weight and see the inside of the gym pretty frequently, but my goals this year are more important than my pants size.

This baby I'm carrying belongs to God and he's trusting Clay and me to raise him/her. That's a HUGE responsibility. God created me- He knows my flaws and my many shortcomings. What's awesome about God is that He doesn't see those things, but instead, sees my potential and He trusts goofy ol' me to bring a life into the world and to nurture it for Him.

With that being said, this year is a time to change the things that cross my mind and my lips. I know that everything that enters my mind makes up my attitude, my words and my actions, so I want everything rattling around in there to be pure. Pretty soon, every word I say will be heard by tiny, impressionable little ears, so those words need to be sweet.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

Clay and I have a very strong friendship and an incredible marriage, and with the addition of a baby, it's vital for us to nurture both relationships. We will still have to find time to spend together, just the two of us, playing Monopoly on Wii or cuddling on the couch. Just because our spare moments will be filled with feedings and diaper changes doesn't change the necessity of doing "just because" things for each other. Our family will only be as strong as our connection with one another and I pray that God will continue to show us how to keep up our relationship through the busyness of life.

If a resolution is a mental state, I'm already there. I was there when I committed my heart to Christ and to spend my life with Clay. It's only because of God's calling that either came to be and it's only through God's help that I can see these resolutions through.

What are your resolutions?

Guilt by Association

When Clay and I began talking about marriage, we had a few talking points to hash out. Being a CPA, his biggest concern was finances. Being a woman, mine was parenting. After preliminary talks, we determined we were on the same page and off to the chapel we went!

Now that we're married and the prospect of children is much more real, we've been discussing this in more detail. (No, we're not trying for that grandbaby, Mom) Unless you count our furbabies, Bailey and Jenna (which I typically do), we have never been parents before. The thought is daunting. My every action can potentially influence another life. I don't even like to choose a restaurant- how can I steer a child's life?

During our wedding, Clay and I took communion together and he prayed for us. Included in that prayer was a request to mold us into the people we need to be for our future children. Since then, I have been praying for the same thing. Not only do I need to learn to be unselfish, but I need to know how to raise a vulnerable little child. What do I do if a bully is harassing my child? I want him/her to learn from the experience but really want to just beat the bully down. How do I keep my child away from sex, drugs and cigarettes? Neither of us smokes and we don't really drink but kids learn about these things at a younger age now.

Thinking back, my mom always had the answers for everything I encountered. When I was younger, her famous catchphrase “guilty by association” drove me insane. Now that I’m older (but young looking) and wiser, I know she was right. That lesson about choosing friends wisely stuck and her catchphrase still rings in my ears in certain situations.

Last night, while I was thinking about the phrase and realized that my mom is not really a genius (at least in this instance), but that she cheated with all these lessons. :) Every single lesson we learn in life is in the Good Book.

For instance, the Bible is abundantly clear about choosing friends wisely. "Do not be deceived: 'Bad company ruins good morals.'" (1 Corinthians 15:33 ) "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise; but the companion of fools will suffer harm." (Proverbs 13:20) "The righteous shall choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray." (Proverbs 12:26)

How do I deal with a punk child bullying my child? “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:18) “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy but I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in Heaven.’” (Matthew 5:43-44) What was mom’s catchphrase for this? “Kill them with kindness.” This is the ol’ “you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar” approach.

As all parents do, Clay and I will encounter situations we don’t know how to deal with. Or worse, situations that our flesh wants to take over. How do we handle those? If we can't approach each and every situation he/she will encounter, how do we equip him/her to handle them? That's easy. We open the pages of a familiar, timeless best-seller and learn from our Creator. We follow His path for if you “train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

Becoming Wifey

On June 4, I FINALLY married the love of my life. Sometime in my early adolescence, I read Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The premise of the book was to wait on God's timing for your spouse. I took its lesson to heart and while I casually dated on occasion, I spent more than my share of Saturday nights alone. It got lonely at times but seeing Clay's face when the doors opened and I begin my descent down the aisle toward him made it all worth it.

I am not a believer in fate as the world defines it. I am a believer in God and His Plan. Because He knows the number of hairs on my head and He cares about the smallest details of my life, I believe He orchestrated our unity. It didn't begin on March 8, 2008 when Clay entered my life, but well before that. As God began to form my body inside my mother's womb in December 1982, He had Clay in mind. I am so thankful He considered me while creating Clay. Among many other things for which I am grateful, He instilled in Clay a work ethic to provide for our family and a sense of humor that keeps me laughing.

While waiting on His Plan is not always easy, God has a soft, subtle way of reminding me that His Plan is always worth waiting for and I'm so glad I listened.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:16)

There to Help Folk.

I'm usually a pretty put together person. My closet is organized by sleeve length and from white to black. I keep weekly To Do lists on color-coded sticky notes: blue for work and pink for personal. Since I've added another color to the wheel, my mind is constantly zooming from one direction to the next. Between my job, taking care of Clay's needs while he's working 65+ hours a week, being a mommy to two puppies deserving of love and attention, and planning a wedding, I need a few extra hours in the day. (If you know how to go about getting those, please let me know.)

On Friday, after our busy time subsided slightly, my boss let me leave early. It was a beautiful afternoon and I was thrilled to be out running errands without crazy traffic. I stopped to get the food for my bridesmaids dinner the following night and went about my merry way... all the while forgetting that my car was telling me I had 0 miles to empty.

After making a few stops, I got on a back road to head home. About halfway between town and home, I remembered I hadn't gotten gas. Since I had made it 25 miles with it telling me I had 0 miles to go, I decided to attempt to make it to the next gas station instead of turning around. The key word in the previous sentence is "attempt." My car stopped roughly a block and a half from Raceway.

While I was extremely thankful that I stopped where I did, I was also pretty aggravated that I stopped where I did. One more stinkin' block is all I needed to get to the gas station, but I was stranded in the turn lane in front of Advanced Auto Parts! As I trekked in to the store to buy a gas can, a couple pulled up and asked if they could help. My Mama always said not to get in the car with strangers, so I was very apprehensive. As I was talking to the couple, I noticed a Bible in the backseat and immediately felt peace. A Bible on the coffee table doesn't speak as loudly as a Bible in the backseat of a car.

I walked to get gas and the couple pulled their car behind mine. The man jumped out and put the gas in my car for me to keep me from being hit by the traffic speeding by. As I was making fun of myself, he told me that he and his wife were on their way to KFC for dinner but she had passed it even though they went there all the time. They just knew that it happened for a reason because God put them there to help me. They followed me to the gas station, yelled their goodbyes from the window and drove off waving.

This couple was such a blessing. During our conversation, the man said they were "there to help folk." It was such a great reminder of why God gave us life, why He breathed the breath of life into us. God created us for Him (Col 1:16) so the greatest commandment is to love Him (Matt 22:37-38); however, but the second is as important as the first. We are called love our neighbors as we love ourselves! (Matt 22:39)

These people exemplified this. They didn't want anything from me. They were just answering a call made upon their lives. In times where we see and hear greed in every turn, where people live to make another dollar and to outdo the Joneses, it's refreshing to see someone who truly lives for others. What would life be like if we lived to "help folk?"

Now it's my turn to pay it forward and live to help others. Whether it's someone who is walking along the highway searching for gas or someone whose soul is searching for the Truth, I'm up to bat. And so are you.

God is so good!

Call me unromantic or a scrooge, but I was never one of those little girls that dreamed of her perfect wedding. I did dream about the perfect husband and perfect family, but never the day that we committed to each other. As Clay and I began to talk about marriage, I was almost dreading having a wedding. Of course I wanted to marry him and was so excited about starting our lives together, but I just did not want a wedding! Half in jest, I suggested eloping but Clay wouldn't go for it. :)

The reason behind not wanting a wedding is twofold. First, I hate being the center of attention and when you're the bride, you're front and center. Second, I've always seen weddings as a waste of money. That's just not for me. Since Clay wanted a wedding, I began putting together inexpensive ideas before we got engaged. Little did I know that God has going to show off in big ways to piece our big day together.

I had heard rumors that HMC gives bonuses annually and had an amount I expected. Roughly two weeks before Clay proposed, I got called in to my boss' office to do my review. When I learned the amount, I almost fell out of my seat. It was FIVE TIMES the amount I expected and after taxes, would cover my entire wedding budget. God promise #1 fulfilled. (Philippians 4:19)

In the second week of January, a coworker who is getting married the Saturday before us told me she ordered her dress... and that it wouldn't be here until 4 weeks before the wedding. I panicked and went dress shopping that weekend. The salesperson began throwing dresses at me, but none stood out. We went to one more place and I selected five dresses. While we were waiting for a fitting room, I saw a dress on a mannequin that I had to try it on. When I put the dress on, I knew it was the one. It cost a bit more than I wanted to spend, but decided to go for it. I knew God would provide for His princess. I got to the register to pay for it and it was on sale. $350 less than what I expected! To top it off, the dress was a perfect fit, needed no alterations and I didn't have to order it. It came home with me that day. God promise #2 fulfilled (Matthew 6:28)

I often hear that the Bible is antiquated, that it has nothing to do with the lives of people living in the 21st century. While Jesus spoke to people in parables that were relevant to people of His time, the messages still ring true today. While our lives are drastically different today, we are all human and all have similar hardships and shortcomings, the same heartaches and emotions. God's promises to protect, provide and care for His children didn't extend only to the Israelites who physically saw the cloud of the Lord, but for all of those who love him (Romans 8:28). Don't know about you, but I believe Him!