What NOT to Say to a Pregnant Gal

Before I saw the two bright pink lines on my EPT test, I probably said some things that made pregnant acquaintances cringe.  Recently I've learned that people have NO idea how to talk to a woman who's eating living for two. I thought I'd put together a list of the most heinous things I've heard, partially for your amusement, partially to prevent me from going pregnant hormonal and hurling someone across the room smiling and nodding, then complaining to Clay.

"You look like you're going to pop."
Unless you know for a fact that a woman is 56 weeks pregnant, this is completely unacceptable. Yes, we realize that we have this balloon-sized belly leading the way because, well, it tends to bump into cabinets or knock books off shelves. By letting this phrase come out of your mouth, you're telling a hormonal woman that she's huge, whether that's what you mean or not. The only acceptable response I see to this is, "Yes, I am about to pop. I'm about to pop YOU," then smack the offender good and hard.

"You're so tiny!"
For a woman without hCG courses through her veins, noticing her petite figure is a compliment. On the other hand, a pregnant woman who hears this phrase is afraid her baby isn't developing properly. Other acceptable statements go something like this: "You look amazing," "I hope I look like you when I'm pregnant," or "Here, have some chocolate!"

"How much weight have you gained?"
Wherever the offending party's mother is, she's embarrassed and has no idea why. Asking a woman about her weight is like asking her age- just.don't.do.it. You wouldn't ask an overweight woman that, would you? Definitely don't ask the woman who is merely teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown because she has to finish putting together a nursery, hasn't slept in days because her back is killing her AND is only surviving on 200 mg of caffeine a day.

"There must be something wrong with you."
I don't know what it is, but seeing a pregnant belly turns everyone, even Whataburger cashiers, into doctors. Look, it's plain and simple- if you aren't a doctor and don't even play one on TV, shut your mouth. I don't care if my face has turned purple and zebra stripes are forming, do not tell me you think there's something wrong. A pregnant woman lives every minute in fear that something is wrong and your ignorant remarks make it worse.

I had someone tell me that something must be wrong with me because I was nauseated for 4 weeks of the first trimester. Apparently the term "morning sickness" isn't as common as I thought.............  In hindsight, I really wish my response would have been, "Funny, the nausea only comes on when I have to look at you." Maybe, just maybe that would have worked.

"There must be something wrong with the baby."
This is an even worse case of Doctor Wannabe. Anyone without an obstetrics degree that diagnoses a baby in utero is a heartless jerk. Sorry that's blunt, but get pregnant for 5 minutes and see if you don't feel the same way. I had someone tell me that "There must be something wrong, like he's hyperactive" because I feel him move so frequently. I have an almost 5-pound, 17 inch(ish) baby in my midsection. Of course I'm going to feel him, for goodness sake.

"Are you sure you're not having twins?"
The fact that this question has ever passed through someone's lips is disturbing on so many levels. You might as well say, "Good gosh, you're as big as a house," because that's what a pregnant girl will hear. With swollen legs, ever-expanding boobs, the lack of a waist and back pain that could bring Hercules to his knees, we know we're hefty. We don't need Skinny Minnie (or worse yet, Big Bertha) reminding us. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude!"


The only time I've gotten this question was before I really popped, so it wasn't implying I was big, but that I should be aware that we could have a surprise on D-Day. This particular Wal-Mart cashier didn't know she was pregnant with twins until they were born. Considering twins run in Clay's family and both sides of our family have joked about us having twins, I went into a tailspin.

"Are you going to breastfeed?"
Personally, I don't want to discuss my breasts with anybody that isn't my husband or doesn't have an M.D. next to his name, so don't ask me this. How I choose to nourish my baby is my decision. The only thing worse is "You're going to breastfeed, right?" If you intend to question my baby's nourishment, don't be surprised if I ask, "Are you sure you should eat that," when you order a cheeseburger and fries.

"Was it planned?"
I've gotten this question a few times. Seriously, how is this anyone's business? Planned or not, there's a kiddo on the way. My response is always "Yup, it sure was. God knew the day our little man would enter our lives even before we were born."

  "Can I rub your belly?"
Ok, so I've never really heard this question. Most people just walk right up and rub like my belly is a lamp and they're expecting a genie any minute. There will be no little blue man pop up and give you millions of dollars, so quit it! My belly itches A LOT and frankly, it's awkward to stand there being openly fondled. ONLY if you're directly related to the kiddo underneath should you consider asking to touch a woman's body. I've decided this would be less of a problem if the men with big beer bellies were more attractive- baby bellies wouldn't draw so much darn attention!