Our Breastfeeding Journey

This is a very personal topic and some people may wonder why I'm sharing this. After going through this journey and experiencing so many pitfalls along the way, I decided to write about my struggles. I had hoped to reread this in a few months when we had successfully overcome the obstacles. It has now become cathartic for me as I had to make the decision to stop breast feeding, a decision that broke my heart but also relieved me of so much anxiety and stress. I hope that it does the same for anyone who may be encountering the same obstacles and facing making a similar decision.

I've heard how hard breastfeeding can be, but have always known that it's something I really wanted, both for me and my children. When we learned Bryson was on his way, I began to research the ins and outs of breastfeeding and before he arrived, was nervous about it, but felt well-informed and ready to go!

A few hours after Bryson was born, I attempted to nurse for the first time. He got frustrated, but was finally able to latch once. I had no colostrum yet, so we had to give him formula. He ate one ounce. Roughly an hour and a half later, he was on his way to the NICU and wasn't allowed to eat for fear that liquid would cause him to aspirate.

The next day, a lactation consultant came to my room with a pump and taught me how to use it because they really want NICU babies to get as much breast milk as possible. I pumped every three hours and most of the time, didn't get more than a few drops. He was allowed to start eating small amounts when he was two days old and what little I produced was mixed into his formula. Finally, the day he was allowed to eat as much as he wanted, my milk started flowing. I'm telling you, the way God designed a woman's body to know the needs of her child is incredible!

I continued to pump through his stay at the hospital and was able to nurse him a few times. When we got home, I nursed during the day and pumped enough for Clay to take a shift at night.

On Monday, July 23, when he was a little over three weeks old, Bryson hit his first growth spurt. For roughly 16 hours, he cried almost incessantly. He wanted to eat 2-3 ounces every hour and slept 10 minutes at a time, if at all. It was the hardest day I've had and coincidentally, was also my first day alone with him. I had my first mommy breakdown after about eight hours. I was a ball of nerves (and tears) and had to go sit in another room and let him cry. It hurt to hear him cry, but I was exhausted, frustrated, and honestly, in terrible pain. I was still recovering from labor and had been sitting all day while I was nursing him. My stitches felt like they were all going to pop out and my breasts had been overworked... or so I thought.

As the week went on, the pain in my left breast got increasingly worse. Finally, on Saturday, I realized I had a clogged duct. I woke up in tears. The pain in my left breast was so intense that I couldn't put my arm by my side. I had a knot about the size of a golf ball. Clay fed Bryson while I got in the tub and kept a hot rag on my breast. For the remainder of the day, I pumped and kept a heating pad on my breast. I noticed that my left breast was only producing about 1/4 of its usual, which made sense since ducts were blocked. I continued to pump through the pain because I had to prevent engorgement, but also because pumping or nursing will help get rid of the problem. By Sunday, the knot had gotten a bit smaller and by Tuesday, it was gone.

Although the knot was gone, production had not returned in my left breast. If I nursed, we still had to give him formula because he was not satisfied. In a fifteen minute pumping session, my left breast was producing less than 1/2 an ounce where it usually produced two ounces.

After speaking to a lactation consultant, I began a strict regimen to regain normal production. For 5 weeks, I took 4-6 fenugreek tablets daily, guzzled lemon lime Gatorade and ate as much oatmeal as I could stand. I absolutely despise lemon lime Gatorade and oatmeal, so it was a challenge. I also had to pump or nurse every three hours religiously, which is hard to do.  Even if I nursed, I had to pump afterward, which was hard to do because he still required formula to make up for my decreased production.

Two weeks after my first bout with a clogged duct, I woke to yet another painful knot in my left breast. I continued my regimen, determined to beat it.

Finally, after two more weeks, I began to see that my production was not increasing enough to keep up with his needs. That realization combined with the stress from keeping up with such a stringent and demanding regimen to increase production brought me to my knees. After weighing the pros and cons, I began packing up all breast feeding supplies and cleaning my pump. As I moved around the kitchen, putting bottles in a box, I bawled... and bawled... and bawled some more. I wanted to breast feed each of our kids and felt like a failure because my attempts had not worked.

I made the decision to pump once a day until my milk dried up.  Doing it that way would prevent engorgement pain and would still give Bryson some breast milk.  The day after I made the decision to stop breastfeeding, my production picked up again!  I assume that because I removed the stress of trying to increase production, my body was able to relax and the milk could flow!

One week later, I leaned over Bryson's crib to change his diaper. I hit my left breast on the rail and yelped. Yet again, I had another knot. As I rocked him back to sleep, I began to cry and made the decision to give up on breast feeding, this time for good.

I informed Clay of my decision and he was very supportive. In fact, he's told me on multiple occasions that he was fine with exclusively feeding Bryson formula because he saw the toll it took on me. He also told me that the people he's told of my plight and attempt to solve it have been surprised I stuck to it for so long.

For awhile, I felt a lot of guilt for not being able to continue breastfeeding.  I began to question my decision and myself as a mother- had I stopped prematurely?  Did I do enough?  Did I quit out of selfishness or was this really what was best for my family?  Each time I began to feel defeated, I recalled his neonatalogist telling me that my milk would help Bryson fight the infection in his body faster than any antibiotic, and I saw my body kick into gear when he needed it the most.  I talked to Clay about it and he assured me that this was best for all of us because the rest of the family was affected by my stress.  He also reminded me that Bryson would get the proper nutrition with formula.

In looking back over our experience, I am still saddened that breastfeeding didn't work for us, but am finally over the guilt that flooded my mind. While it was the second most difficult thing I've ever done (the first being leaving Bryson at the NICU and going home), it was also just as rewarding.

In addition to having precious time cuddled up with my favorite little boy, I have seen the beauty of God's creation of a woman's body and its ability to sustain her child's life. The time I had nursing Bryson is precious to me.

While our breastfeeding journey has come to an end, I am hopeful that it will begin again with Baby S #2 and this time, will end with triumph instead of tears.